new joke

[kenny]

hi all

Chicken Engineering

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from ''Feathers,'' the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

Apparently, the Russians were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use a thawed chicken.''

ken

[laurab]

:shock: :grin: :-P

[vixen]

Hi Ken,:lol: :lol: its the way you tell um!!

[vixen]

Hi all
A bear,a lion and a chicken sitting talking about who is the hardest.
The bear says when i roar the whole forest trembles,the lion says
when i roar the whole jungle shakes with fear, the chicken says all i
av to do is cough and the whole ****ing world s**** itself

sorry all had to do it

Trudy

[Waxbillman]

lol,
very good

Matthew

[Rogerb]

love It nice one :grin: :grin: :grin:

[kenny]

hi trudy
nice one,:lol: :lol:

ken

[Rogerb]

if it takes a man a week to walk a fortnight how many bananas in a bunch of grapes :lol:

[laurab]

Roger, what are you on:confused:

[PAUL HEARN]

Hello all,

Ken,

Good one mate!!!:lol:

Trudy,

Very good too!!!:lol:

Roger,

Good on ya mate, it makes no sense,:roll: but man it's still funny.:lol:

Paul.

[kenny]

a new joke for you all


A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"
ken:shock:

[kenny]

hi all
this is for roger and jimmy.


Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.


ken

[Rogerb]

I donnnt noow whatt yooo amm takiinn aboutt hik hik :lol:

[kenny]

roger

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ken

[jimmy]

What moi :shock: :razz:

[bigal47]

Hi Roger .
Thats food for thought, but first you have to explain to the non uk members that a fortnight is 2 weeks and thats 14 days in old money.
Answer: that man must be a Yorkshireman on his way back from the pub, going back wards and taking his good old time and passing the fruit market, and thinking about all that beer he drank and what to take the missis home to help smooth over what ever has happened in the past fortnight, so he thought he would buy her fruit and he thought 4 would be a good number, but beeing a good person he bought 5 pieces.
so the answer is 6 .
Allan

[kenny]

hi allan
you missed out the whippet mate!
ken

[Rogerb]

:D you cracked it mate nice one :lol: :lol: :lol: ps never saw a wippet

[kenny]

hi roger
i was talking to allan as he was slagging us yorkshire people off again as everyone thinks we all have flat caps and whippets up here and we dont .just flat heads

ken:-D

[Waxbillman]

don't worry Ken
Yorkshire is the best Country in Britain, and people like Allan are just jealous, rise above it mate, and be proud of where we come from, because it is the best, no dispute. :-D you can can keep Canada, Cornwall and anywhere else Yorkshire rules, ok..

Matthew:-D

[kenny]

hi matt
it doesn`t worry me mate anyone who slags yorkshire off is wasting there time and ink writing it in the first place:lol: :lol:

ken

[Waxbillman]

:lol: too true.

Matthew

[jimmy]

I see its the best country in Britain now Matthew, always used to be a county :D

[Waxbillman]

hello Jimmy

true, in theory you are correct, but we may as well be a country we have got everything we need up here, sod the rest of England

Matthew

[laurab]

we have got everything we need up here, sod the rest of England



Oh those poor sheep!! :razz:

[Rogerb]

yep laura is right we have everthing we want down hear in dorset :-D I moved hear 25 ish years ago and love it :-D still mis them sheep on the moors though :oops: :-D

[kenny]

hi roger
found this in my paper last night ,must be a freind of yours eh:roll:

ken:D :D


http://www.feathered-friends.co.uk/vb/attachment.php?attachmentid=335&stc=1&d=1143027121

[Rogerb]

nahh not mine mate with a name like that he has to be a yorkshire man and you is the only one I know and with your back it wasnt you :-D wasit :confused: :-D :-D

[Waxbillman]

Roger

this horrible attack did not occur in Yorkshire, it occured in Preston, the north-west of England, and with a ruddy name like that, he never will be Yorkshire

Matthew

[kenny]

hi matt
do you remember brian close the yorkshire county cricket captain who would not allow anyone in the team who had the remotest sun tan and any dodgy un yorkshire sounding name

ken:wink:

[Waxbillman]

beyond my time Ken, if wouldn't get away with it now would he,

Matthew

[kenny]

hi matt
nope!
ken

[kenny]

i was looking in a shop window with my wife.
when i pointed at an item and said ,thats the one i`d get
the next moment i was attacked by a cyclops

[Rogerb]

should have gone to specsavers :grin: :grin:

[kenny]

An eye for him
A Man is dining in a fancy Restaurant and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out,grabs it out of the air,and hands it back.

"Oh my,I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye into place.

"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together,and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks.

They talk,they laugh,she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.She listens.

After paying for everything,she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a night-cap....and stay for breakfast the next morning.

Next morning,she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!!!

"You know," he said,"you are a perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy meet?"

"No,she replies....."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[kenny]

Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"

[kenny]

Faithful Drunk
A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed. When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey". When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is Bacon, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast. He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"? The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away and said

back off lady I'm married".

[laurab]

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will

kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.




Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night,made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night,but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story?????............................




OH, come on...take a guess! .




Think about it (You're going to love this!)





And the moral is...















You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!

[Waxbillman]

:lol: :lol:

thats a good one Laura

Matthew

[kenny]

hi laura
i love it ,its a good one that will put it down in my jokes to remember book


ken

[laurab]

It made me laugh too :razz:

[vixen]

Hi all,
There was a farmer who had a cross eyed cow,so he got the vet out to come and look at this cow.The vet got the farmer to stand at the front of the cow to watch the cows eyes.The vet gets a peace of pipe puts it into the cows bum and starts to blow.with in two puffs the eyes were back straight. that will be £50 please said the vet.A few years later it happened again,the farmer thinks he can do it himself this time, so he gets his worker to watch the cows eyes,he was blowing and blowing and nothing happened,so the worker said he would have a go so they swapped ends the worker takes the pipe out and turns it around and puts it in again,the Farmer asks what he was doing,the worker replies I don't want to use the same end as you,

[laurab]

:-P :razz: :lol:

[Waxbillman]

:shock: :lol: :lol:

[kenny]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

heard about the IRA man who tried to blow up a car......................burnt his lips on the exhaust

ken

[Waxbillman]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Matthew

[laurab]

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?" "That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?" Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me." "Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him,"I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.Who was this child?" Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the
answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?" "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?" "That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me." "Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

[Rogerb]

lol roger b

[kenny]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[kenny]

hi all


A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born!

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised.

[Rogerb]

:lol: :lol: that really made me chuckle thanks kenny :lol:

[Rogerb]

a young man working for a newspaper was asked to do a bit on geronimo as he was dieing so he went to the reservation he was meet by an interpreter the young man asked is he married yes him got 100 wives young man says has he got any children . him 100 wives him 300 children was the reply . young man thinks maybe this is a bit personnel so he says is geronimo hostile the reply was . him 100 wives him 300 children him hostile dogstile him anystile

[kenny]

hi roger
nice one mate,

:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:

ken

[kenny]

whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers.
















...........your mum

ken

[Waxbillman]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Rogerb]

nice one kenny :lol: :lol: :lol:

[kenny]

hi roger
this is just for you ,hope you are feeling better.

it was that windy today even though the sun was out i had to put my cock up against the door to stop it from banging shut

http://www.feathered-friends.co.uk/vb/attachment.php?attachmentid=390&stc=1&d=1147375088

ken:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Rogerb]

:lol: thanks kenny what a handsome cock it is to :lol: yep geting better due to new pills methinks :grin:

[Rogerb]

a man walks into a bar looks over the top and says thats a big dog you got there nasty looking thing aint it , barman says its a cross rottweiler x German Shepard it will kill anything ok says the punter i got a dog in the back of my van that will see of that will see of that mutt you have there , barman says put your cash where your mouth is ok says the punter slaps 500 qwid on the bar what sort of dog is it you got in your van barman says , well its a long tailed green backed Irish terier so they go out to the car park open up the van throw the barmans dog in and shut the door ther is a banging and and howling from inside then it all goes silent the punter opens the door the pubs dog falls to the floor dead in the dark of the van are little eyes staring out barman says what did you say your dog was its a long tailed green irish terier :smile: but some people call the crocodiles :lol: :lol:

[kenny]

excellent roger mate:)

ken

[laurab]

Kenny,

please don't encourage him!!

[kenny]

hi laura
just thought it was funny,for a trickcyclist

ken:lol:

[laurab]

Now that IS funny!!! :-P :-P

[Rogerb]

yep laura was right that was funny nice one kenn :lol: :lol: :lol:

[kenny]

hi roger
hope everything is scabbing over well for you mate

ken:-D

[Rogerb]

:lol: no scabs mate just sore ribs :lol:

[kenny]

Why bicycles are better than Women...
Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

[Rogerb]

love it kenn, but bikes is a sore point with me at the moment :) :) :)

[laurab]

Oh Kenny, not more 're-cycled' jokes! :razz:

Rogers is a ladies bike which is why it chucked him off :-P

[Waxbillman]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Matthew

[kenny]

hi laura
well that was a wasted post,it was aimed at roger!and he didnt realize it

ken:roll:

[Rogerb]

AHH now I get your drift kenny :) :) no probs mate love the post mate :) IM thinkin of getting a penny farthing next year , going back to my youth this modern technology and me just dont seem to mix :oops:

[Rogerb]

wise man say life is a bole of cherrys :) but but watch out for the pips ??

[kenny]

a bird in the hand.....does it on your wrist!:lol:

[Waxbillman]

:lol: :lol:

[Rogerb]

:-D I wish I got that lucky :-D :-D :-D

[kenny]

Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it dissappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away.
One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked:
"Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?"

ken

[Rogerb]

:smile: :smile: :smile: nice one mate :smile: mr b

[Rogerb]

man walks into a bar ohhf???it it was an iron bar :lol: :lol: :lol: MR B

[laurab]

Roger

The 'old ones' aren't always the 'best ones'! 8)

[kenny]

now then laura
we can give him at least 3 for effort:lol: :lol:
ken

[laurab]

3 what Kenny? Slaps round the ear??? :-P

[kenny]

hi laura
sounds like a good idea to me


ken

[Rogerb]

oohh that hurts :smile: :smile: :smile: MR B

[kenny]

hi all

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Â Yeah, I know you are........)

ken

[kenny]

The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.


Oak trees do not produce acorns

until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.


The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE


American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women,
what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.


Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer.

So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!


PEARLS MELT

IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.


A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

[PAUL HEARN]

Hi Ken,

The sad fact is I'm helping in keeping Marlboro as THE most valuable brand on Earth and I can't breathe through my a**e.

Paul.:lol:

[kenny]

hi all
some more here

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
>every two hours?
>
>If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
>Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
>are flat?
>
>Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
>is not enough?
>
>Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
>but check when you say the paint is wet?
>
>Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>
>Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
>Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
>a revolver at him?
>
>Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>
>Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>
>What is the speed of darkness?
>
>Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the
>Special Olympics?
>
>
>If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as
>cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
>
>If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
>here?
>
>Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
>longer?
>
>Do you cry under water?
>
>How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
>a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
>Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
>binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>
>Did you ever stop and wonder......
>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
>squeeze
>these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
>Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna
>eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
>Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast
>to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
>
>point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
>Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
>undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
>Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
>both dogs!
>Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
>If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
>vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
>tune?
>Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
>Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
>
>you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
>window and loves it?
>Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
>



ken

[Rogerb]

:lol: :lol: yep you don it again kenn you cracked me up , baby oil and alfabet soup love them keep em coming I need a good :lol: :lol:

[laurab]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

[kenny]

hi laura
they are all so true i love it all and am only just not piddling in my pants:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


ken

[kenny]

hi all
just found this


http://www.feathered-friends.co.uk/vb/attachment.php?attachmentid=543&stc=1&d=1158353064

ken

[Waxbillman]

:lol: :lol: :lol: thats a good en Ken

Matthew

[Rogerb]

from the early 1950s there was a very famous female film star we can still to this day watch her films she was stunning to look at every man wanted her by his side her one hang up was she had to ware the same coat in every one of her films oh well that's females for you ain't it :-D her hair was sort of light ginger with white streaks she loved the country side and wildlife and posed for many a famous photographer her name is legendery in the u s a and there is a life sise statue of her in a well known town in the u s a who is she :?: :?:

[kenny]

hi roger
was it veronica lake
ken

[Rogerb]

sorry kenny try again I have to say I was totaly taken for a ride with this one :oops: I fell for it big time :oops: MR B

[kenny]

http://cdn.digitalcity.com/pmms/productpagemovies/0e/00/2117634

[Rogerb]

:-D :-D nice one kenny new you would get :lol: MR B

[kenny]

hi roger
looks like one of my old girlfriends

ken

[Rogerb]

:grin: yep know that feelin mate :wink: sept yours was better looking than the one I had :lol: :lol:

[kenny]

here you go then

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife, and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"

ken:shock:

[kenny]

hi roger

this one is for you mate

Each evening bird lover roger stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbour.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

ken:-P :-P

[Waxbillman]

:lol: :lol:

[kenny]

hi all
It Takes One To Know One?

Early one morning, this past Summer, while feeding my collection of canaries, finches, budgies, and parrots, I received a frantic call from a friend. He was getting divorced and had to get to court, but was too nervous to drive. He asked me to give him a lift to the court house. I agreed. When we got there, since I had never been to a divorce court, I decided to go inside. Once on the stand, my friend threw himself into describing what an awful person his wife was.

"Your honor, my wife has developed an obsession with rabbits. She has rabbits in the kitchen, rabbits in the den, rabbits in the bathroom! And with this hot weather, you just can't imagine what the smell is like with all the windows closed."
"Why don't you open the windows?", asked the judge. "I couldn't do that. All my birds would fly out!"

ken

[kenny]

Nobody's Perfect!

While extolling the virtues of PETCRAFT to a pet shop owner in Manhattan, a short elderly woman burst into the store.
"I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever seen."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be a good singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed the woman murmured, "Why it is a good singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg." The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer or a dancer?"

:lol:

[laurab]

Every one a winner!! :lol: :lol: