laurab
03-01-2006, 12:56 PM
As bird flu gets closer and closer to Britain, a dark cloud has descended across the face of Europe - a cloud not seen since the last time a dark cloud descended across Europe and rained. With this disease on our doorstep, it’s important to ask, “Just what is bird flu?”Q: Just what is bird flu?
It’s like the flu, but with birds.
Like humans and other species, birds are susceptible to flu but do not have access to Beechams Cold & Flu remedies, such as Lemsip. This can cost bird employers millions of pounds in lost bird days of productivity.
Q: What are common misconceptions about bird flu?
Bird flu is not a flu that only affects women, as is commonly believed in the North of England.
It is not possible to catch the avian flu if a bird ‘flew’ past you. This is simply a verb and is not contagious.
Q: How do humans catch bird flu?
Bird flu was thought only to infect ‘pink’ flamingos until the first human cases were seen in a San Francisco nightclub in 1997.
Humans catch the disease by making passionate love to birds without using condoms, which is common in parts of Wales, New Zealand and Arkansas.
Q: Is it possible to stop bird flu coming into a country?
Because it is carried by birds, not really, but the Bush Administration has spent $8bn developing a prototype missile defence system to protect US skies from suicide flu birds. The project involves giving Dick Cheney an arsenal of shotguns and some smelling salts.
Q: How many people have been affected?
The World Health Organization To Help Eliminate Future Uncontrolled Catastrophes has confirmed 169 cases of bird flu in humans, leading to 91 deaths. On a global population of 6 billion, this means you are 3.3 x 1013 times more likely to die from eating a kebab.
Q: How quickly is the disease spreading?
One bird at a time.
Q: But it can't yet be passed from person to person?
Yes it can, but only on Brokeback Mountain.
Q: What would the consequences of a mass outbreak be?
Once the virus gained the ability to pass easily between humans the results could be catastrophic.
Worldwide, experts predict anything between 2 million and 50 million deaths, but these numbers are not based on any facts and were arrived at using a dart board and some dice.
Q: Can I continue to eat chicken?
Colonel Ahmed from the Putney Tennessee Fried Chicken says, “No problem! We mainly use recycled McDonalds Chicken Nuggets and styrofoam in our chicken kebabs and burgers. There is no real chicken to be worried about!”
Q: What is being done to contain the virus in the countries affected?
Mainly hysterical media reports and emails such as this one, but not much else.
It’s like the flu, but with birds.
Like humans and other species, birds are susceptible to flu but do not have access to Beechams Cold & Flu remedies, such as Lemsip. This can cost bird employers millions of pounds in lost bird days of productivity.
Q: What are common misconceptions about bird flu?
Bird flu is not a flu that only affects women, as is commonly believed in the North of England.
It is not possible to catch the avian flu if a bird ‘flew’ past you. This is simply a verb and is not contagious.
Q: How do humans catch bird flu?
Bird flu was thought only to infect ‘pink’ flamingos until the first human cases were seen in a San Francisco nightclub in 1997.
Humans catch the disease by making passionate love to birds without using condoms, which is common in parts of Wales, New Zealand and Arkansas.
Q: Is it possible to stop bird flu coming into a country?
Because it is carried by birds, not really, but the Bush Administration has spent $8bn developing a prototype missile defence system to protect US skies from suicide flu birds. The project involves giving Dick Cheney an arsenal of shotguns and some smelling salts.
Q: How many people have been affected?
The World Health Organization To Help Eliminate Future Uncontrolled Catastrophes has confirmed 169 cases of bird flu in humans, leading to 91 deaths. On a global population of 6 billion, this means you are 3.3 x 1013 times more likely to die from eating a kebab.
Q: How quickly is the disease spreading?
One bird at a time.
Q: But it can't yet be passed from person to person?
Yes it can, but only on Brokeback Mountain.
Q: What would the consequences of a mass outbreak be?
Once the virus gained the ability to pass easily between humans the results could be catastrophic.
Worldwide, experts predict anything between 2 million and 50 million deaths, but these numbers are not based on any facts and were arrived at using a dart board and some dice.
Q: Can I continue to eat chicken?
Colonel Ahmed from the Putney Tennessee Fried Chicken says, “No problem! We mainly use recycled McDonalds Chicken Nuggets and styrofoam in our chicken kebabs and burgers. There is no real chicken to be worried about!”
Q: What is being done to contain the virus in the countries affected?
Mainly hysterical media reports and emails such as this one, but not much else.