kenny
02-22-2006, 11:55 PM
hi all sorry about the deletion before hope this make up for it as we havent had a new joke on here for a while
Some short jokes
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh-t before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Only in America
A TRUE FACT.... Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
ken8-)
Some short jokes
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh-t before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Only in America
A TRUE FACT.... Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
ken8-)